Dear vending machine,

I think it’s time that we called it quits. It’s not you; it’s me. We just aren’t meant for one another. I thought maybe we could just be friends, but really, I think it’s best if we make it a clean break. Please do not call or write. I’m not good for you, and clearly you are not good for me. I’d prefer it if you left the building entirely, but it seems as though we are going to have to learn to work together as professionals and not as partners. I hope that this doesn’t cause you as much pain as it causes me.

Kind regards,
Lauren